The Power of Emotional Intelligence and Regulation in Self-Discovery

In today's fast-paced and interconnected world, success and happiness go beyond mere intellectual abilities. They require a deep understanding and mastery of emotions. This ability to recognize and understand emotions in ourselves, as well as in others, is often referred to as emotional intelligence (EI). It is a vital skill that impacts our personal and professional lives, influencing everything from our relationships to our career achievements.

While some may argue that intelligence, emotional or mental, is something you either have or don’t have, research claims otherwise. According to Harvard, EI is a skill that can be cultivated, “learned, developed, and enhanced.” However, it takes time, practice, and a lot of self-awareness. And while there are different discussions on emotional-intelligence components, they all agree that self-awareness is key.

The popular concept of self-awareness can be simple in theory, but more difficult in practice. Even more challenging is regulating the self once we become aware of it. Emotional intelligence goes hand in hand with emotional regulation, which is another important skill and component in overall happiness. Personally, I believe the practice of self-awareness and regulation, and the desire to intellectually grow, are noble pursuits. I also believe they are without end. There is no end quotient for emotional intelligence. To reach a genius level, one must first recognize that studying and regulating emotions is a life-long undertaking. I say this not to deter you from learning more, but to remind you to give yourself grace as you embark on this “work.”

While researching for this blog, I came across a number of lists and ways to help with EI and regulation. To my dismay, hardly any of them mentioned the difficulty of their suggestions. When it comes to emotions, they can be big, loud, and invasive. Learning to discern where the emotion came from, why, and find a healthy outlet to express it, well, there’s no other way to say it except, that shit’s hard. But so very worth it. I want to tell you why it’s worth it; but first, I will explain the relationship between emotional regulation and emotional intelligence. Then, I’ll share EI's impact and benefits on well-being (why these hard practices are worth learning). Lastly, I’ll offer a list of tools to help you cultivate a higher EI IQ.

Emotional Regulation vs. Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence and emotional regulation are closely intertwined and mutually reinforce aspects of our emotional well-being. However, they are different psychological concepts. Emotional intelligence involves the ability to recognize and understand emotions, both in ourselves and others. It encompasses self-awareness, empathy, and social skills. Moreover, EI is, “the ability to perceive, interpret, demonstrate, control, evaluate, and use emotions to communicate with and relate to others effectively and constructively.”

On the other hand, emotional regulation refers specifically to the capacity to effectively manage and control our own emotions in various situations. I find the word, “control” a little harsh in this context. Control does not mean we are stopping an emotion or forcing ourselves to shut off an emotion. Rather than controlling the emotion, we are learning how to not let the emotions control us. According to Positive Psychology, “Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings.” I like this definition a little better because it emphasizes the expression of the feeling as part of the process. Regulation entails a release of the emotion rather than a stopping of it. Before we can release an emotion, we must first recognize what it is. This is how emotional intelligence and emotional regulation work together.

Emotional intelligence provides the foundation for developing strong emotional regulation skills. By being aware of our emotions and understanding their triggers and underlying causes, we can better regulate our emotional responses. For example, individuals with high emotional intelligence are more likely to recognize when they are feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or angry, and can implement strategies to regulate and manage these emotions.

Emotional regulation, in turn, supports the development and enhancement of emotional intelligence. By effectively managing our emotions, we can foster self-awareness, empathy, and social skills. When we regulate our emotions, we are better equipped to respond to others in a thoughtful and empathetic manner, strengthening our interpersonal connections. Furthermore, emotional regulation is essential for making sound decisions, problem-solving, and maintaining healthy relationships. It allows us to navigate challenging situations, conflicts, and stressors with composure and resilience. When we regulate our emotions effectively, we are better able to communicate, listen, and understand others, leading to more positive interactions and improved relationships.

Nurturing EI and regulating emotions may be hard, but the impact these skills have on our lives is invaluable. Prioritizing emotional well-being leads to healthier relationships, increased productivity and job satisfaction, and the release of stress, which leads to better physical well-being. Life and emotions will keep happening, but the skills of EI and ER are like having a compass to navigate life's challenges with greater ease and resilience. (Still not sold? Let’s break down some of the benefits in detail.)

The Positive Impact of Emotional Intelligence & Emotional Regulation:

Enhanced self-awareness: Emotional intelligence cultivates self-awareness, enabling us to identify and understand our emotions, strengths, and areas for growth. By recognizing our emotional triggers and patterns, we gain control over our reactions, leading to healthier relationships and improved decision-making.
Self-Control: Emotional regulation enables us to exercise self-control and manage impulsive or destructive behaviors that may arise from intense emotions. It allows us to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, leading to better decision-making and more positive outcomes.
Improved relationships: Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in developing and maintaining meaningful connections with others. Empathy and active listening foster trust and understanding, while effective communication and conflict resolution skills create harmonious interactions and resolve misunderstandings. By managing our emotions, we can communicate more calmly, listen attentively, and empathize with others. This fosters trust, understanding, and deeper connections.
Leadership and teamwork: Effective leadership demands a high level of emotional intelligence. Leaders who possess empathy, strong communication skills, and the ability to inspire and motivate others create a positive and collaborative work environment. Emotional intelligence also facilitates teamwork, as individuals with EI are more likely to consider diverse perspectives, manage conflicts constructively, and build cohesive teams.
Stress management: Emotional intelligence equips individuals with the tools to handle stress and pressure effectively. By managing their emotions and employing coping strategies, emotionally intelligent individuals are more resilient and less prone to burnout. They can adapt to changing circumstances and maintain their composure in challenging situations.
Success & productivity in the workplace: Emotional intelligence has become increasingly valued in the professional realm. It influences job performance, leadership potential, and career advancement. Individuals with high emotional intelligence are often effective communicators, collaborators, and problem solvers, leading to better job satisfaction, productivity, and success. Moreover, emotionally regulated individuals are better equipped to handle stress, setbacks, and challenges in the workplace. They can maintain focus, think clearly, and make sound decisions, ultimately enhancing productivity and performance.
Mental and physical well-being: Unregulated emotions can take a toll on our mental and physical health. Chronic stress, anger, or anxiety can lead to a range of health issues. By practicing emotional regulation, we reduce the negative impact of stress and enhance our overall well-being.

Maybe you were born with emotional intelligence, maybe not. Regardless of what your relationship with emotions is, there is quite a case to build for the benefits and advantages of emotional intelligence and regulation. Research continues to confirm that EI and self-regulation are beneficial skills that can be learned. Some have even advocated for the implementation of emotional regulation programs into elementary classrooms. Despite personally not having had access to such, I’ve stumbled upon a number of practices in my adult life that have offered me the tools to build and cultivate my awareness of emotions and ability to regulate my feelings. My go-to practices are yoga and meditation; however, there are a number of ways we can develop a greater understanding around emotions. I’ve learned that similar to physical exercise and eating healthy, engaging in activities and exercises that nourish my EI is part of self-care. I am committed to these practices the same way I am to my healthy habit of taking a daily walk and drinking water. That being said, if dealing with emotions is foreign to you, remember to be patient with yourself. Take the time to remember the benefits, and let those motivate you. Then, try starting with one or two of the suggestions below!

8 Ways to Regulate Emotions & Enhance Emotional Intelligence

Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness and meditation cultivates a state of present-moment awareness. It allows you to observe your emotions without judgment, creating space for thoughtful responses rather than impulsive reactions. Regular mindfulness practice strengthens your ability to be self-aware. Self-awareness involves recognizing and understanding our own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values, and goals. It allows us to be in tune with our inner state, enabling us to make better choices and decisions. Emotional regulation begins with self-awareness. Self-awareness is cultivated through practices like mediation.
There are so many different ways to meditate, but here’s my favorite introduction meditation to begin building self-awareness.
- Grab a piece of paper and a pen and have it close to you.
- Find a comfortable seat. It can be seated or lying down. Set a timer for 3 minutes, and begin to focus your attention on your breath.
- Feel the breath moving in and out of the body.
- Your mind will wander away from the breath. That’s okay. Notice where your breath wanders to, and then make the conscious choice to bring it back to the breath.
- When the time is up, use the paper and pen to write down all the things you remember thinking about during the meditation other than the breath. If you thought of the breath the whole time: congrats you are a pro-meditator. Chances are your mind had a handful of thoughts other than the breath; what were they? Write them down. If you simply can’t remember your thoughts, don’t stress. It just means there’s some room to grow your awareness.
The point of this exercise is not to analyze what you were thinking. I encourage you to be kind to yourself and be curious about where the mind went. The point is to become aware of yourself; What do you think? Where does your mind go most often? If you practice this once a day for a week, you might start paying attention to whether or not there was a feeling in the body when a certain thought arose. When you thought about work; did you feel stress in your chest? When you remembered the fun party you had last weekend, did it make your body feel at ease? You may even start to notice a trend in your thoughts. Do you have repetitive thoughts? If so, what are they? The practice of mindfulness and meditation gives us the opportunity to cultivate self-awareness, which is the basis for emotional regulation. We can’t regulate anything if we don’t know how we feel.
Where the practice really begins to benefit our lives is when we begin to realize that there is a pause between a thought and the emotion it has in our body. The more we meditate, the more we find that pause. The more we notice when the mind floats away, and most importantly, we exercise our choice to come back to the breath. Our choice. We have a choice whether or not we get carried a way with a thought. We have a choice whether we let an emotion control our next move. According to psychologist and holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, “Between the stimulus and response, there is a space. And in that space lies our freedom and power to choose our responses. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
When we experience an emotion like anger, we can chose how we respond to that anger. Once we have a toolset of healthy outlets for emotions we can utilize those tools. Put into practice, this concept might go something like this: A person has been meditating regularly. They have a tendency to say mean words when they are upset. Shortly after meditating they find themselves confronted at work by an angry co-worker. The co-worker yells at them for doing a task the wrong way. The new meditator notices the slur of curse words raging in their mind, and the heat rising in their body. Before they react, they pause. They notice these thoughts and feelings, and then make the conscious choice to take a deep breath. They tell their co-worker they will do the task the right way next time. They leave work early to get to a boxing class where they can release their anger and frustration in an appropriate and healthy way. This is emotional intelligence and regulation at work.
This is just one example of how meditation can teach us how to become aware of our emotions and regulate them. It demonstrates the benefit of the practice and how it can lead to an higher EI, and as Frankl said, our own freedom.
Practice Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It allows us to relate to others, build deeper connections, and respond compassionately to their needs. Empathy is a crucial aspect of emotional intelligence, enabling effective communication and fostering harmonious relationships. Some people believe this is also something you’re either born with or not, but this isn’t true. You can actually develop empathy. My personal favorite way to do this is by practicing the Buddhist tradition of Metta. This is a loving kindness meditation where you offer a series of compassionate phrases towards a number of people, including yourself. The phrases and order of the people can vary, but here’s a simple modification of the practice to get you started:
- Find a comfortable seat
- Begin to say to yourself: May I be healthy. May I be safe. May I be at peace. Repeat them three times.
- Think of someone you love and offer them the phrases (silently or out loud) replacing “I” with “you”.
- Think of someone who is difficult for you to love and offer them the same phrases.
- Now, offer the phrases to all beings everywhere.
That’s it! That’s the practice. It’s so simply, yet effective in cultivating empathy, which is part of building your EI IQ.
Social skills: Social skills encompass a range of abilities, such as effective communication, conflict resolution, teamwork, and leadership. Unfortunately, like EI, they don’t often teach communication and conflict resolution in grade school. Teamwork and leadership might have been taught depending on your extra-curricular activities, but I have yet to come across a primary or even secondary class titled Teamwork. This means that most of us find ourselves thrown into the adult work world trying to learn and navigate such skills. Yikes. One social practice that I wish was taught to me sooner is the concept of active listening. Who would have thought that one of the greatest social skills you could develop actually involved not talking? Wild. Nonetheless, learning how to be silent and listen without the intention of talking or sharing can be a profoundly shifting experience. Here are some tips for how to become a more active listener:
- Repeat what people said back to them,
- Ask more questions
- Give people a nonverbal cue that you are listening (eye-contact, head nodding)
- Don’t plan your response while they are talking
Try practicing this next time you are talking someone. It might not feel like it at first, but the more often you do this, the more you will start to become aware of the person you are listening to; the nonverbal cues, and emotions of the conversation become clearer. Active listening is one of the best ways to sharpen your social skills and increase EI.
Seek feedback: As I mentioned, regulating emotions and enhancing EI is no easy feat. Oftentimes, it requires the help of a professional. Yes, one of the best ways to grow your EI and help you regulate is to ask for help. Working with a therapist or mental health provider is a great place to start especially if you have experienced trauma that makes it difficult to discern where emotions are coming from. However, if you going to a therapist isn’t an option for you right now, you may ask trusted friends, colleagues, or mentors for feedback on your emotional intelligence. Their insights can help you identify areas for growth and improvement. Moreover, talking about your emotions and concerns with someone you trust can provide valuable insights, guidance, and comfort.
Continuous learning: Read books, attend workshops, or enroll in courses that focus on emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills. Stay curious and open-minded to new ideas and perspectives.
The more we expose ourselves to new, stimulating information, the more open-minded and educated we become in the long run. If you are sincerely passionate about becoming increasingly emotionally aware and better at navigating your emotions, take the time to explore and learn more about the topic!
Deep Breathing and Relaxation Techniques: Much like meditation, deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or guided imagery techniques can help you calm your nervous system during moments of heightened emotion. These techniques promote relaxation, reduce stress, and support emotional balance. Here are a few of my favorite guided practices for exploring:
- Diaphragmatic Breathing: Also known as “belly breathing,” begin your practice by placing one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Take slow, deep breaths through your nose, allowing your abdomen to rise with each inhale and fall with each exhale. This technique helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, leading to relaxation and a sense of calm.
- Box Breathing: This strategy can help create a sense of balance and control over emotions. Inhale for a count of four, hold the breath for four counts, exhale for four counts, and then hold for another four counts before starting the cycle again. This method helps break the cycle of racing thoughts and induces a state of peace.
- Tension and Release: By tensing and relaxing certain muscle groups, we can promote body awareness and relaxation by reducing physical tension. Start from the toes and work upward through the body, tensing each muscle group for a few seconds and then releasing the tension. Take intentional breaths throughout.
- Body Scan: Conduct a body scan exercise, where you focus your attention on each body part, starting from the toes and moving up to the head. Try to notice any areas of tension or discomfort and then consciously release that tension as you breathe out. This practice helps you become more attuned to your physical sensations and emotions.
- Safe-Place Visualization: Here, we imagine a safe, peaceful place. This could be a beach, a forest, or any serene location that resonates with you! Engage all your senses in this visualization, such as feeling the warmth of the sun, hearing the sound of waves, and smelling the ocean breeze. This exercise helps create a mental refuge for yourself during times of emotional overwhelm.
- Mindful Eating: This is one of my favorites! The next time you eat, savor each bite of food, paying attention to taste, texture, and sensations. By cultivating mindfulness during meals, you can become more aware of your emotional eating triggers and develop healthier eating habits.
Cognitive Restructuring: Challenge and reframe negative or unhelpful thoughts that may contribute to emotional distress. Replace negative self-talk with more positive and realistic thoughts. This cognitive restructuring helps you gain a more balanced perspective and manage emotions effectively.
Here’s a personal example that happened for me recently:
I found myself in a high-intensity cardio class where nearly everyone around me seemed to be absolutely crushing it – except me. I felt weak. I felt alone. I honestly felt like I didn’t belong.
“You aren’t strong enough to be here,” I told myself. I started to spiral mentally and emotionally. And, ah, here is where the practice of cognitive restructuring began.
I had to take a moment to breathe through what felt like being on the verge of a panic attack. Nobody ever wants to feel like they don’t belong somewhere! However, once I was able to step back into my body, I restructured my thinking and the following became my mantra for the remainder of class.
“You don’t have to be the best in the room, you just need to do your best.”
This simple reframe sincerely made a difference. Was my booty still kicked by the cardio class? Yes, but I was able to finish up the last 25 minutes with a refreshed perspective that lifted me up instead of dragging me down.
Engage in Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Engaging in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment is crucial for emotional regulation. Find healthy outlets such as physical exercise, creative pursuits, spending time in nature, or engaging in hobbies that help you release tension and restore emotional balance. The following suggestions might provide some inspiration for you!
- Go for a hike or explore a new trail in your area
- Learn a new skill or develop a new hobby (knitting, cycling, drawing, or climbing!)
- Try a different workout class than you normally would
- SIgn up for a meditation course or mindfulness challenge
- Start a nonfiction novel that helps you escape and have some fun imaginatively
- Download a podcast centered around a topic you care about or that makes you laugh
- Call a friend, text someone you’ve been thinking about, or write a letter and send it in the mail
- Volunteer for an organization you feel passionate about
- Plan a trip!
- Take a bath, drink some tea, and listen to music

Emotional intelligence is a powerful asset that enhances our personal and professional lives. It allows us to understand ourselves, and in time, we develop compassion for ourselves as we get to know ourselves on a deeper level.

But, just because we understand ourselves doesn’t mean the work is over. That’s where emotional regulation is needed!

Emotional regulation is a fundamental skill for navigating the complexities of life. It also frees us from being controlled by emotions without rejecting how we feel.

By making the effort to develop both, we create a more expanded version of well-being. And well-being isn’t just about physical and mental health, you know; it also includes the emotions of a person and how those emotions affect their life. By learning and managing emotions, we empower ourselves to respond thoughtfully, maintain healthy relationships, feel satisfied at work, and experience a more complete sense of well-being and happiness.

So, embrace the journey of self-discovery and emotional growth, and harness the power of emotional regulation to lead a more balanced and fulfilling life. Stay open and curious, and be patient with yourself as you develop this new and important skill set!

Sources:

https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/what-is-emotional-intelligence/

https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-improve-your-emotional-intelligence/#:~:text=Emotional%20intelligence%20is%20a%20set,learned%2C%20developed%2C%20and%20enhanced.

https://ewfinternational.com/5-components-emotional-intelligence-effective-leadership/

https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/es/news/increase-happiness-regulate-your-response-life-events

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-intelligence-2795423

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dealing-emotions/202202/flexible-emotion-regulation-requires-emotional-intelligence#:~:text=Emotional%20intelligence%20and%20emotion%20regulation%20are%20related%20but%20importantly%20separate,behaviors%20(things%20people%20do).

https://positivepsychology.com/emotion-regulation/

https://apibhs.com/2016/09/14/emotional-regulation-what-is-it-and-why-is-it-important#:~:text=Why%20is%20emotional%20regulation%20so,lead%20to%20better%20overall%20health.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/self-awareness-foundation-emotional-intelligence-daniel-goleman

https://harappa.education/harappa-diaries/importance-of-self-control/

https://mantracare.org/therapy/relationship/emotional-intelligence-in-relationships/